Eating Disorder Recovery: Learning to Take Up Space

Let's be honest-- this isn't a comfortable or common topic for most people. It's not easy to talk about or to hear about, even coming from someone who struggles with it.

Unfortunately, diet culture is spreading like wildfire through every aspect of our society. You can't turn on your tv without getting an ad for some sort of weight-loss drug. You can't check social media without seeing one of your favorite influencers promoting a dangerously restrictive diet. You can't go to a party without hearing at least one of the many extreme ways that people are attempting to lose weight. It's essentially inescapable. This is the type of environment that eating disorders thrive in because of how easily they can fly under the radar. Skipping meals is praised as "willpower". Excessive exercise is viewed as "discipline". The very things that signal someone is struggling are currently being rewarded. Here's the worst part: Eating disorders have one of the highest mortality rates of any mental illness.

That's why I think it's important that we talk about it. Chances are, you probably know at least one person who struggles with some form of an eating disorder. They don't have a "certain" appearance, hence why it is classified as a mental disorder. Interestingly enough, eating disorders aren't simply about appearance. Though it's part of it, the issue is often far more complex and the disorder can serve multiple different functions and show up for different reasons:

• a sense of control - when life circumstances feel unpredictable or uncertain, it can serve as a temporary (and false) source of control.

• environmental factors - this is especially prevalent within dance, gymnastics, cheer, running, modeling, bodybuilding, and other adjacent communities.

• sociocultural pressures - we live in a culture that often directly equates thinness with health, beauty, discipline, and success.

• emotion management/avoidance- focusing on food intake and body image can distract from deeper pain. Malnutrition itself can completely disconnect emotions.

  
  
  
  

Though this isn't an exhaustive list, it shows the complexity of the psychology behind it all. Eating disorders do not develop overnight, and they rarely exist because of one single cause. They develop through an interaction of biology, personality, life experiences, and the environments we find ourselves in.

This isn't just something I've learned about-- it's a road I've had to walk myself.

Honestly, I had never planned to share this story with the world. I've always avoided vulnerability and anything that would make me seem like I wasn't "strong enough", (whatever that means). That was until I learned recently in my recovery journey that you can't heal what you hide.

I have chosen not to share the more personal details of my story, as those are reserved for my therapist and myself. <3

I struggled off and on with an eating disorder for about six years until earlier this year when it became too serious to ignore. In February, I found out that my heart was unable to function normally due to prolonged malnutrition. It was only a couple weeks later that I had to put my entire life on hold to address what had severely impaired many areas of my life. That was day one of what I soon discovered would be a lifelong journey.

I spent five months in a treatment program where we had individual and group therapy sessions, nutrition counseling, and met regularly with a dietitian and nurse. Spending six (or more) hours everyday focusing on all the things that had destroyed me was beyond exhausting. What I didn't see in the moment, though, was that it was slowly rebuilding everything that my eating disorder had taken from me-- Strength. Resilience. Personality. Purpose. Joy.

I look back at the day that I walked into the treatment center alone and remember how scared and ashamed I was. I felt like I had completely failed. I had no idea that, after suffering alone for months, I was about to meet the most compassionate and knowledgable treatment team who changed my life in such a big way. We hit the ground running on day one, and it has been uphill since. Of course, there have been some bumps in the road, but they remind me that those bumps only serve as examples of resilience, as I've bounced back stronger every time. I cannot stress the importance of their role in my journey. Their impact won't end with my recovery-- it will live on in every life that I'll have the privilege of touching because of what they first gave to me. I hope that I can help others survive this disease in the same way that they've helped me.

I have learned so many things, from how the human mind works to the truth about properly fueling your body. I've even gotten to learn more about who I was before the eating disorder took control of my life and I lost sight of myself. I've really been leaning into that piece and trying to become her again. <3

Recovery isn't something you choose once. It's something that you have to actively choose every. single. day. Again and again and again. Every meal, every snack, every event, every trip. Every time you open your eyes. Every time you look in the mirror. It's not a struggle that people are often able to get completely rid of, but it is something that you can learn to navigate and handle with time and patience. It's not a battle that you can fight alone.

If you struggle with an eating disorder, I hope that my story can be of help to you. While accepting help was the scariest thing I could do, it was also the bravest and most fruitful. I encourage you to reach out-- to a friend, to a family member, to a counselor, to me. Recovery is possible. There is life on the other side, and it's full of joy and friendship and color and sunshine and freedom. I can't promise it'll be easy. Recovery is hard, but so is living with an eating disorder and only one of those will be worth it in the end.

Lastly, remember that you are deeply loved, fully known, and never alone. <3